Dear Professor Blackstone,
My name is Zhi Qi, and I am writing to introduce myself to you as a student in your effective communication class. I graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic with a diploma in Hotel Leisure & Facilities Management. I was fortunate to land an internship at Parkway Pantai where I was exposed to the many aspects of facilities management. The most fun experience was running around with the technicians and getting my hands dirty on the job. This internship left me wanting to know more about the technical side of facilities management. I hope to deepen my technical knowledge for facilities management and thus, I enrolled in sustainable infrastructure engineering.
I believe one of my greatest communication strengths would be my ability to make my slides easy to understand for the audience as I try to keep my slides uncluttered. I would just put a few points on the slides and further elaborate on it when I am presenting.
I believe one of my greatest weaknesses in communication is my tendency to rush through my content or mumble my words when I am stressed or nervous. I am not a very confident person and I get flighty when all the attention is on me.
My first goal for this module is to learn to be able to better simplify the information given to me and make it easily digestible for others even with zero technical knowledge. My second goal for this module is to develop the proper communication skills to present clearly to the intended audience.
Through this module, I hope to gain more confidence for public speaking and improve on my articulation on words when presenting under your guidance. I look forward to the upcoming lessons with you for this trimester.
Best regards,
Lim Zhi Qi
Hello Zhi Qi! Yuan Kai here. Overall, i find your letter quite well written but there are a few areas I believe can be improved on.
ReplyDelete1) I believe "diploma in hotel leisure & facilities management" should be 'Diploma in Hotel Leisure & Facilities Management'.
2) I find "I hope to deepen my technical knowledge for facilities management thus I enrolled in sustainable infrastructure engineering." can be improved to 'I hope to deepen my technical knowledge for facilities management and thus, I enrolled to Sustainable Infrastructure Engineering.'
3) "I believe one of my greatest communication strengths would be making my presentation easy to understand for the audience as I try to keep my slides uncluttered." I believe it would be better to change it to "I believe one of my greatest communication strengths would be my ability to make my presentation easy to understand for the audience as I try to keep my slides uncluttered."
4) I believe "speed read" is a wrong phrase used. Based on my understanding, 'speed read' is the ability to read quickly and not the ability to speak quickly.
Cheers.
Hello Yuan Kai, thank you so much for your comments! i will look for a more suitable phrase to replace "speed read". So sorry for letting you read the unedited version.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Zhi Qi, your letter was concise and clear. But i would like to highlight some parts of your letter which i felt can be improved.
ReplyDelete1. "I believe one of my greatest communication strengths"- for this part sentence it seems to that this sentence is not that correct. You may want to consider rephrasing to: I believe one of my communication strength.
2. "I believe one of my greatest weaknesses " this is also similar to point 1.
3. "The most fun experience was" can also consider this: My memorable experience was.
4. "I believe one of my greatest weaknesses in communication is my tendency to rush through my content or mumble my words when I am stressed or nervous. " you may want to look into the consistency of the tenses. In this case will be the word " stressed".
5. " improve on my articulation on words" you may want to consider this: Improve on the articulation of my words.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Zhi Qi, your content is concise well-elaborated. However, I feel that there are some points that I identified. I apologize if I am wrong.
ReplyDelete1. "with a diploma in hotel leisure & facilities management"
[ Diploma in Hotel Leisure & Facilities Management] but I noticed u have edited
2. “My first goal for this module is to learn to be able to better simplify the information given to me..."
[The structure of the sentence sounds weird. I think can eliminate to learn]
3. "the information given to me and make it easily digestible for others even with zero technical knowledge.....”
[Instead of others can change to audience as the later part u address as audience]
Overall, I think your content is good :)
Dear Zhi Qi,
ReplyDeleteChek Eu here, thanks for the well written formal letter. Here are a few pointers for improvement.
1) I am not too sure of the word use in this sentence “I was fortunate to land an internship at Parkway Pantai where I was exposed to the many aspects of facilities management.” But I will use “have”.
2) “ The most fun experience was running around with the technicians and getting my hands dirty on the job” I think instead of “fun” I will use “enjoyable”.
3) “I hope to deepen my technical knowledge for facilities management and thus, I enrolled in sustainable infrastructure engineering.” I feel that that you should end the sentence after “management” instead of putting “management and thus, I enrolled”
Dear Zhi Qi,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this clear, concise and complete letter. You attend to all the areas of the assignment, and you give some good detail on the job that insoired you to pursue your SIE course.
You've also received lots of feedback, especially in terms of langauge use. Of course, you need to weigh the suggestions against what you can find on your own from the websites provided on our module Symbaloo page.
In terms of what you have addressed for module goals, rest assured that we will address each of those.
I look forward to reading more of your writing this term.
Cheers,
Brad